This edition will go over the meaning of “secure attachment” and some simple, practical ways to create a secure attachment in our children.
“A secure attachment is an ability to bond; to develop a secure and safe base.”
- Asa Don Brown
Secure attachment means believing that all human beings are good; it also means the individual feels safe about the world surrounding him. A child who feels securely attached always feels loved and supported by others.
The main role and focus of parents or caregivers should be to observe the child frequently and pay attention to his need.
There are times in a child's life when he approaches the caregiver or parents to gain peace and security. In these scenarios, the child feels that he is incapable of doing so without the help of their parents. In other instances, he finds himself ready to explore the world around him without any help from parents or caregivers.
“A securely attached child will store an internal working model of a responsive, loving, reliable caregiver, and of a self that is worthy of love and attention and will bring these assumptions to bear on all other relationships. Conversely, an insecurely attached child may view the world as dangerous where other people are to be treated with great caution and see himself as ineffective and unworthy of love. These assumptions are relatively stable and enduring: those built up in the early years of life are particularly persistent and unlikely to be modified by subsequent experience.”
― Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory
It can be understood that many parents face challenges when it comes to this subject by looking at the relationships between parents and their children.
For example, parents may resist the child's need for peace, believing that doing so will make the child more independent. We know that parents find their peace in some cultures by keeping their children dependent on themselves. Or, to keep their child safe, they destroy the sense of exploration in him and give the message that the world is dangerous and that behaviour makes the child extremely dependent on parents.
Research suggests having independent children is directly affected by how safe they feel in their circle.
One important aspect when talking and dealing with children is for parents to be careful of their choice of words, tone of voice, emotions, and body language.
It might sound unrealistic to expect parents to always control their emotions or be available to their children. Even the constant presence of parents may cause a malfunction in the child's development. Therefore, sometimes impatience, fatigue, or absence are normal and understandable. The goal should be to focus and be the best we can be in most situations.
What's important is trying to enhance the quality of the relationship and provide the child with a sense of security and peace.
It’s important to understand that some children might need more time to gain secure attachment.
Personality traits play an important role when it comes to this. Depending on how discreet or introverted the child is, he might need more time and effort to start trusting the world and people around them.
HOW TO CREATE “SECURE ATTACHMENT?”
1. Be responsive to the child's needs. Establish warm, loving, and intimate relationships. Have empathy when confirming his needs.
Ex. I understand that you're so tired now and need to sleep; I feel the same when I am tired. Let's go home and rest.
2. Be responsible for your child's needs. Identifying the child's needs is the first step, but more importantly, it's to meet these needs correctly and at the right time.
When we say you're responsible for the child's needs, it doesn't mean you will provide him with whatever he wants. Sometimes you'd better act more decisively and discipline against some of your child's wishes.
The more stable and predictable the parents are, the safer the child's attachment becomes. On the contrary, the unstable and unpredictable parents’ behavior causes anxiety in children.
CONSISTENCY IS KEY!
3. Be available as parents, both emotionally and physically. You may be with your child for a long time, but if you're not emotionally present, busy with other tasks, or concerned about other things, your presence doesn’t count.
4. Create multiple secure attachments for your child. In addition to their mothers, children who create a secure attachment with someone else, such as their fathers, grandparents, or caregivers, can build better relationships and have more stability regarding their emotions.
5. Pay attention to your child’s relationships with siblings and peers. Your child's relationships with their siblings and friends significantly impact creating a secure attachment.
I would like to hear from you!
Tell me about your personal experiences when it comes to “secure attachment.” Do you see yourself successful in this area? Which aspects would you like to work on more?
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